why your sex life can change once you get into a relationship
Going from "single" or "it's complicated" to "in a relationship" is a big change that affects more than a status on social media. It alters all sorts of elements in your life, including what goes down — or doesn't — in the bedroom.
There isn't one overarching reason why sex changes when you've fully committed to another person, but here are the top nine experts have heard.
Sex, when you're single versus sex when you're in a relationship, is different for a multitude of reasons, none of which have to do with monogamy being boring by default. If you're in a relationship, and the sex is boring, Lisa Concepcion, founder of LoveQuest coaching told INSIDER, it's probably because you let it get that way.
"A lot of it is bad programming due to messages that say sex gets stale or boring once in a committed monogamous relationship," the relationship and dating expert explained. "Boring people have boring sex. Disconnected people have disconnected sex. When there's open, respectful, loving, communication with clothes on, passion is intense with clothes off."
When you first start dating, and even in the few months to a year after you've become official, partners typically experience a kind of intense, whirlwind romance. This is often referred to as "the honeymoon phase." It's as lovely as it sounds, but as fast as it comes, that fiery emotion fades just as quickly.
This isn't to say that the connection between you and your partner has gone to static, by the way, Concepcion told INSIDER it's just what happens when you transition from that initial, puppy-love phase and start to really connect on a deeper level emotionally.
"Intimacy develops and the sex might not be as frequent but it's more soulful, connected and bonded. This is enduring," she explained. "When you have sex once or twice per week with a partner who truly adores you for who you are and doesn't reject or judge you, you'll be more likely to try new things and be open about what feels good."
Your person is your person, and that's the really the point David Bennett made when he explained to INSIDER that as you become more familiar with a person, something physiologically shifts in your brain, dulling down the infatuation and normalizing the way in which you see your partner.
"Your brain chemistry returns closer to normal, so you not only start seeing some of your partner's flaws, but you also become less sexually excited by them," the certified counselor, relationship expert, co-author, and co-owner of Double Trust Dating and Relationships said. "Because of this, the drive for regular, intense sex may turn into something more reasonable and realistic, or in some couples, it results in losing a strong sexual connection and only leaving a more social connection."
Before you've seriously committed, sex felt like a spontaneous, thrilling activity. Now, it's something you have to work into your daily routine.
"I call it the 'hamster wheel existence' where they wake up, get ready for work, prep the kids, work, commute home, cook, eat, and are wiped out in front of the TV by 8 p.m. and asleep by 10 p.m. only to repeat it the next day," Concepcion said.
Similar to how the more you know someone, the more humanized they become, life is like that too. When you first start living together or get married, there's still that sense of newness looming. Eventually, though, life settles down, and you both fall into a routine with one another. It's normal until sex is something you have to pencil into a calendar or, worse, something you forget about entirely.
"Sex is maybe something squeezed in on the weekend when it occurs to the couple it's been 3 weeks since the last time they had sex. These couples are typically disconnected to themselves and therefore from each other."
I agree that relationships before and after marriage are very different between partners. But the main thing is to keep it romantic and make each other feel good.